Do you need a candid unscripted answer to any questions about life, relationships, frenimies, dating, fashion or anything else? I ll help you if I can and refer you to books, professionals or websites if I cant. Some people pay for this service. LOL
The One Thing Everyone Forgets
Stanford management professor Robert Sutton, whose book Good Boss, Bad Boss includes a multi-step recipe for how to deliver an effective apology, says the first thing to do is not to sugarcoat your error but to take the blame fully. Doing this helps create the illusion (and even the reality) that you’re in control. Sutton has studied research on apologies showing that CEOs and managers who own up to their mistakes tend to have better reputations and perform better. So, if you screwed up while ordering supplies, don’t say, “I’m sorry, the supplies are late because the shipment was delayed;” instead, try something like, “I’m sorry, I know you needed the supplies today and they’re not here. I put in the order a week ago, but I should have added a week of breathing room. This was definitely my fault.” Continue reading
My boyfriend of four years nags me about the same thing: my work schedule. I work long, sometimes outrageous hours, but I love my job. He can’t get past it and sometimes argues with me via phone when I work late, other times in my office (door closed). Other than this, our relationship is fine. Help. —Anonymous
Everything isn’t fine in your relationship. It’s one thing for your boyfriend to want to spend more time with you. It’s great to be wanted and desired and missed. But when he shows up at your job and argues with you, he’s crossing the line. He is displaying a fundamental lack of respect and a deep resentment for you and your job. Don’t confuse his antics at your workplace with a sign of affection and passion. Let me be clear: There is no situation in which it’s acceptable for him to come to your place of employment and argue with you.
Just so you know, your bosses, colleagues and subordinates can all hear you two arguing, in person and on the phone. You two are the good office gossip, and they think how you’re carrying on is unprofessional and messy. I don’t care how much you love your man and how long y’all have been together. You should have told security to ban him from the building after the first time he showed up.
Actually, you still should. And if he’s going to badger you and argue with you at work, then you don’t need to take his calls while you’re on the job.
I’m not sure you’re aware, but your boyfriend is also putting your job in jeopardy—and it’s intentional. If you allow him to keep this up, that job you love so much isn’t going to be around much longer.
You need to have a long chat with your man about boundaries—immediately. Tell him point blank that interrupting your work or showing up at your job is unacceptable, and he will be single if it happens again.
I know he wants you to change your work habits, but acting a fool at your job isn’t the right way to go about it. There are more effective ways to get a point across (like asking and, if the answer is no, accepting that and moving on, even if it’s to find another relationship). I imagine that his ridiculous behavior makes you resent him and want to avoid him, which makes the situation worse.
You love your job, and I’m going to assume that you love your man, since you’ve been with him for four years. But four years is a long time to be with the same person, especially when he’s pulling shenanigans like this. You need to have a long chat with yourself about this relationship and if you want it to continue.
You’re encountering a conundrum that a lot of women face, one that Nigerian writer Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie mentioned in her TEDxEuston talk, “We Should All Be Feminists” (which was excerpted in Beyoncé’s “Flawless”):
We say to girls, “You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful—otherwise you will threaten the man.” … Because I am a female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important.
Your man is unquestionably threatened. If you want to keep him around, you’re going to have to accommodate his ego and make more time for him. That doesn’t mean you slack off on the job or do anything to put it further in jeopardy. It does mean you leave “on time” a few nights a week, whenever possible, and spend those evenings with your boyfriend (which includes staying off work email).
Do keep in mind that you have the option to be single and focus on your work. Contrary to the theme of the film Mahogany, success still means something even when you have no one—at the moment—to share it with.Or you can replace your boyfriend with someone equally ambitious, who is more understanding and respectful of your climb up the professional ladder. Those guys do exist.
You may find yourself much closer to your dreams when you have a supportive partner who gets what is important to you. You may also find yourself wanting to take a work breather when you have a boyfriend who encourages you instead of one who distracts you from your goals.
I’m dating a guy I met through a friend. She introduced him as a friend only but admitted that she used to find him attractive. When he approached me about spending time, I asked her if it was cool and she said, “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?!” He later tells me they had sex once, but she never told me. Do I ask her about it? —Anonymous
Ooh. Just so you know, this is about to get so messy. You may need to let this fish go back to the pond if you want to keep your friendship.
It seems that your friend was more than just a friend to the guy she introduced you to. If what he said is true and they did have sex, I wonder why she just didn’t say that or at least tell you, “We hooked up once,” which implies a range of possibilities, when you asked about him. It’s something that most women would want to know about someone they’re dating.
Of course, there are some women who can have sex with someone with no feelings attached. It’s just sex. Those women also tend to be the type who would say, “Yeah, we had sex, but that’s all” if you inquired about dating someone they knew, and they would say it as matter-of-factly as they would an observation about water being wet. Your friend who breezed right over that interesting information is not that woman.
She liked him. She found him attractive. It didn’t work out, for whatever reason. That doesn’t make her a bad person. It does sound as if she’s trying to be that cool friend who’s pretending to be OK with her friend dating someone she slept with. I respect that. And she will be, too, until the guy takes a real interest in you—a direction he’s already moving in.
The guy you’re dating told you that he slept with your friend because it became apparent that you didn’t know. He knew that if you found out on the back end, you might bail on him. He wanted to be transparent, which your actual friend should have been.
You can ask her about it if you want. I don’t know what you hope to gain by doing so, however, other than possible confirmation or a fall deeper into the rabbit hole of this soon-to-be-crazier situation. The solution here boil down to this: Stop dating the guy and keep your friend, or keep dating him and watch things get messy. Those are your only two real choices.
I’ve been through this before. Many, many years ago my friend casually introduced a man to me by saying, “We’re just friends.” As he walked off, she snickered that he was her “former jump-off.”
How long ago?” I asked. She said more than a year. I asked why it ended; she said he was too young. Hmmm.
When I ran into him again, he approached me and asked for my number. I turned him down, not because I really wanted to but because he and my friend had something, and I didn’t want the headache. He insisted, just as she had, that it was “just sex.” The stories matched up. I gave him my number. I let my friend know. She was fine with it—at first.
He and I dated—actually outside-the-house, “Let me take you somewhere” dated—for a couple of months. I was out with her one day—hadn’t mentioned him—and she made a joke about sex with him, something I hadn’t experienced just yet. I said as much.
That’s when my dating him became a problem for her. That he was actually paying attention to me and hadn’t with her was an issue. I stopped dating him (a decision I regretted for years), even though I really liked him, in order to keep the peace. Things still got really ugly between her and me for a while.
This isn’t an uncommon story. Another reader wrote in to share the outcome of a similar scenario:
I met [a] guy through [a] friend. Same thing happened to me, but the “friend” left out she gave him oral sex. Later on, she resented me because he liked me, then [she] started gossiping about me. This is craziness waiting to happen.
You’ve been forewarned.
My girl Demetria never disappoints, read this article she wrote about a woman trimming her “hedges”
Is it polite for a man to ask a lady to trim herself “down there”? She really likes me to give her oral, but it’s difficult with so much growth. I’ve hinted about it, but she never seems to get it, and I’m considering the direct approach. Just don’t want to offend her, but I can’t take it anymore. Help! —Anonymous
An April 2014 Pace University survey, “How We Date, Have Sex, and Form Relationships Today,” included a section on the state of hair “down there.” Of the respondents, just 10 percent of men and 20 percent of women said they did no landscaping to their lawns, which I found startling, since questions like yours come up with startling frequency. The report found that the vast majority of people say they trim the hedges, and a third of women say they remove all the “greenery” (0 percent of men said they do), but I’m skeptical. Either folks are lying or the people who encounter the nonmaintenance types are a very vocal bunch—and understandably so.
Hair there is entirely natural and normal. But if she’s inviting you to her yard, she should at the very least organize and clean before you arrive. To not do so is the mark of a poor hostess. You’re trying to be a polite guest, with all the hinting and such, but just as when you visit someone’s home and ask for a glass of water if he or she doesn’t offer, you’ve got to speak up here, too, and let your hostess know what you’d like during your visit.
You’re frustrated that she hasn’t been taking hints well, but try not to let that get the best of you when you make your entirely reasonable request. Ask nicely for what you want—don’t demand—and add how much you enjoy her yard. (People are often supersensitive when anything about sex is critiqued, even when constructive.) Say you would just like a little more landscaping to occur to make your visit more pleasant, and ask what she thinks about that.
Essentially what you’re requesting is a little assistance from her to help you give her more pleasure more often. This should go over without much of a hitch.
A week later, our gentleman was back with a follow-up:
I took your advice, and my girlfriend got very angry. She said I “should be happy to get this [sex] and stop complaining.” Not sure what to do now except maybe get used to it. Unless you have any other advice …
Seriously? Some people just don’t know which battles to fight, because this should not be one. She has you, a partner who is willing to please, and she won’t make a small concession to make it more convenient? This is a clear-cut case of blocking your blessings!
I respect her right to manicure her lawn how she pleases. But since she’s unwilling to accommodate guests, you should stop visiting. Maybe when she notices that you’re no longer willing to play in her yard, she’ll realize what a mistake she’s making and tend to her hedges appropriately.
When she asks why you don’t visit anymore, tell her again what the issue is: The hedges need trimming. If she wants you to enjoy the yard again, she’ll accommodate you or stop asking.
This from a jennsinnerspace reader. She wanted me to advice her on the current situation in her marriage. She is at her last leg and can’t take it anymore. Here’ what she wrote below;
Dear Jenn, hope everything is fine, I am writing because I want your take on the current situation in my marriage. Please give me your honest opinion. Continue reading
From Arianna Huffington’s reflective morning ritual to her simple two-word message to her younger self, get a glimpse into the soul of one of the most powerful women in the world.
Someone asked me what advice I would give myself from five years ago, coincidentally I saw this and thought it made too much sense to pass up. Hence I’m sharing with you.
These are the kind of things that make me merry. Two powerful women in one space speaking with wisdom. Someone needs this for the weekend. #delicious
Without even knowing the story my answer is NO. Lets see what this jennifermairo reader says
Dear Jenn, how are you? You are Nigerian right? So please answer this question the best way you can as a Nigerian not as oyinbo. I like my boyfriend’s brother, in fact we have liked each since high school and I became close to my ex just to be near him, he had a girlfriend at the time and so the opportunity never came. Somehow in spending time with my ex, we started dating. Now I am free and so is my ex’s brother. He has been spending time with me and told me on text that he likes me. I wanted to tell him for the past two weeks but was embarrassed, now he has confessed that he likes me, insinuating that we date, but I don’t know if its inappropriate if we date. But my ex has moved on, we weren’t married and never talked about it, why should i bother about that or let my happiness depend on him. I haven’t decided but wanted to see what you think. Thanks. My answer below Continue reading
Verbal Abuse: How To Save Yourself
How to save yourself from a bad guy: an interview with author Patricia Evans
By Annie Gottlieb
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. How many women think of that schoolyard rhyme while reeling from a partner’s put-downs or angry outbursts? The rhyme’s a lie, says Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship—the book that helped change Brandy’s life. Cruel words can do worse than break bones: They can break your spirit, cripple your confidence, even make you physically ill.
“This can happen to any woman, with any family background or career,” she says. “It’s happened to psychologists, lawyers, doctors, teachers, Web designers, mommies—even the director of a women’s shelter.” A woman falls into the trap because the abuse takes her by surprise. “He isn’t abusive while he’s courting you,” Evans says. “But once he gets you, he switches—and you have no idea why.”
How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.
The abuse only happens when you’re alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he’s a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.
Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He’s Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.
Assuming he’s rational (aren’t all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it’s nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.
Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:
Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.
Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: “Cut that out!” or “I don’t want to hear that.”
Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.
Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn’t just a “conflict” or an “argument.”
Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants to—but you can’t change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.
I think that this is the worst form of abuse in any relationship. When one is constantly being put down and disrespected. It takes a psychological toll and may be hard to come out of. #just saying. If he cant respect you or your feelings, he probably is fighting with a demon himself, but that’s not your problem. Everyone has something they are dealing with.
I personally would not. I will stay and fight for myself and my marriage. But it depends on the length and the depth of the situation. If the man beats his wife because of his family or constantly undermines her, then she might want to reconsider. It is what it is.
A frequent innerspacer sent me a simple five sentenced message. Sometimes I think these messages are jokes, no offense- She said, “Dear Jenny, awesome blog, keep it up. I think I might be in love with my boyfriend’s father. He knows this because he has bought be expensive gifts that my boyfriend can’t afford and tells me not to tell my boyfriend when the gifts gets delivered to my dorm. I think we might get into something if I am not careful. I have always preferred older guys, my boyfriend is 7 years older. I just don’t want it to be his dad. Advice?” My response after the cut Continue reading
Hey Jennifer, I love your blog and your posts. You are trying. I have even showed it to all my fellow workers in the office and we all look at it everyday. Where can we buy your books? Anyway. I see that you always say the truth so I want to ask you something and see what you will tell me to do. My name is Patricia and I am 29 years old. I have a fiancée, although he didn’t engage me o. He just tells people that I m his wife so I tell myself we are engaged. Ehen, we have been together since I was in first year in school, and I was 21, he was 23 in third year. He loves me and I love him too but he stresses me too much. He disvirgined me and got me pregnant four times and he doesn’t like to use condom, and he will say that nothing will happen and he will marry me in the end. I continued to do all he said just to make him happy because other girls are rushing him. I heard that he is dating one girl that lives in his compound, she is 22 now and usually respects me, now she just rolls her eyes when she sees me. So I think its true. He has a history of cheating but he says its nothing serious that a man has to hold body when his woman is not there. Ok now, his mother called me to come to Uyo from Port Harcourt last week. I was a little bit confused because she has never called me like that. I thought something bad had happened. And I called him many times but he didn’t pick. I was scared.
When I got to Uyo that evening around 6pm, his mother gave me food, I said no until she tells me what’s going on. When his mother was sick three years ago, all my salary was used to care for her because he wasn’t working then.
She said if I don’t want to eat no problem. She said that the girl that lives with the mother in Uyo, that I thought was his little cousin, she is 19 now, that she is pregnant for my boyfriend and he will marry her. I was shocked. Pregnant ke? Me I have been with him for 9 years and have 4 abortions to show for it. I almost fainted. The mother said she likes me that I should not be angry.
The stupid boyfriend called me now and said it was a one-time mistake and that its me he wants to marry. My friends say that I should forgive him if he is ready to marry me and give me ring. If not, I should pursue him to go away. Me I’m tired o. There is still a lot I cant say now . But from this one, what do you think. See my response after the cut Continue reading